Sorry about the lists. I just wanted to put them up since I finally updated them. (I also wrote this entry before updating the lists)

How is everyone? Its been a while since I updated this. I though you might like to know what's going on with me.

Well I'm babysitting on Thursdays. I've done it twice so I'm not quite used to it yet. He is 17 months old and adorable. He was sick last week when I watched him but he was better this week and he had more energy which was kinda bad for me because I didn't sleep at all the night before. He hasn't been too much of a hand full. I think he isn't quite used to me since I'm new but soon he will be then I'm going to be in for it. I really do like watching him. I would like to watch him Monday - Friday. I don't have my license yet because I need to be able to help pay insurance. I'm hoping if I start working Monday - Friday

I might be able to get my license. I have to pay for my classes that I abandoned…Which is almost 1050 dollars. So that's where most of my babysitting money is going until it is paid off but I am going to start saving money too.

So yeah I'm doing better. I still forget to take my meds sometimes...ok today is the first time I took them in a little while but I kept forgetting. I am trying to remember but my cat has this thing on the back of his neck and he keeps scratching it and he is going in to get surgery on Wednesday. I am really worried about him. I'm scared he might die or something. There is blood all over the house from him scratching and he doesn’t seem to be eating as much. He is so light compared to before. I mean he could probably still lose a few pounds and he would still be a healthy weight but its scary to watch him lose the weight the way he is losing it. I've had to give him pills for the past two weeks and he hates them. I don't have to give them to him again hopefully.

So as much as things are better they are a little worse. But I'm doing better. Things are better. My room is somewhat clean right now. I have to finish cleaning, but I have 6 days out of the week where I'm home so it will get done. I need to find places to put things. I'm running out of space for my books. I can't wait to have extra money to buy books with. I think I might buy one every two months as a little treat for keeping a job and helping around the house and starting to take steps towards where I want to be.

I would like a better job but this one is prefect as a first job. I do want to go back to college someday. I'm not sure when I want to go back, but I really do want to. There is so much I still want to learn. I want to travel the world. I want to be a better writer. I want to have a family. I can't keep letting myself give up because there is so much I want to do. I'm tired of letting everyone down because I let myself down. This time I'm not going to do that. I'm not going back into that hole. I have people all around me who love me and care about me and want me to do well. I know I've said that before but this time I know I'm going to do it. This time nothing is going to stop me.

I'm still afraid but I won't let fear lead my life anymore. I want to live. One day I'm going to travel the world and write a book. I'm going to have a family of my own. I know I'm going to have to work hard but it will be worth it. I have people all around me who are pushing me forward and I know there are going to be people who try to knock me down. I just have to keep getting up. All I can do is try my best.

I need to remember how I feel right now. I have motivation. I'm not going to let it go now. Its not going to be like before when I would be motivated for a day or two. I'm going to keep myself motivated. There is always something good to look at. I'm going to make something of my life.

I want to find who I am. I’ve been lost for so long and I don’t know who I really am. That’s why I’m going to start trying to write everyday. Poems, stories, journal entries as long as I’m writing something. Maybe I’ll find myself or find part of myself. I hope for the best but I’m going to try not to expect it. Maybe I’ve learned something from all this. Maybe now I know life goes one even when everything is falling apart it does get better. There is always something to look forward to and it can always get worse. Being depressed hasn’t gotten me anywhere and even though I still feel depressed I can’t let it hold me back from what I want.

I hope everyone is doing well!
Love ya’ll,
Tiffanie


P.S. Its been a long night I've spent probably over 4 hours working on the lists...I know that sounds insane but I wanted to finish it since I said I was going to.

My Friends ---> [link]

People I Watch ---> [link]

My Watchers ---> [link]

Clubs ---> [link]